had the MRI scan yesterday

well it didn't go too badly, well not as bad as i thought it was going to be, though was really uncomfy lying on my right side for an hour and a half, i can never get comfy on that side at all and Sunshine was wriggling around like mad, at leeast Ricky got to come in with me though and got to stand just beside so i could just see him lol. Had to do lots of breath holds, which i'm not very good at, it makes me panic lol. About an hour in they pulled me out but then straight back in as the radiologist wanted a few more, which worried me a bit. I had a sked for a picture at the beginning and was told they'd see what they could do but didnt get 1 in the end cos by the time we got out was so late everything was put away but they said they'd get me 1 for next time we're there.

After we got out the scan room they shouted us in the wee room to have a look at Sunshine, was so weird seeing pictures of him from his 'insides', they showed us a wee burst of realtime video they done, again weird cos seeing him moving around but from the view of his insides lol then showed us a sequence of pictures they took which when played in order could see him tucked up the top then doing a head dive to the bottom.

seen his cute wee hands and fingers and his BIG feet, so he has big feet like Nathan, have no idea where they both got them from though. Then we seen him flashin his bits, cheeky monkey just can't help himself always flashing to the ladies lol, every1 comments on how active he is, tell me about it lol they said he wouldn't stop moving around, i know, i could feel him lol but they got some really good pictures of him and his spine looks lovely, she showed us his heart and his liver, didn't say whether the liver was in the chest or not but me and Ricky THINK its out as it didnt appear to be on the same level it was quite a bit below, as well as the kidneys they still seem to be out as well, just hope they both stay out.

Assume we'll get proper results from it when we're up at Queen Mothers on the 12th August for a detailed scan, as well as the LHR, totally dreading that though and seriously considering telling them not to me what it is.
So good to see our beautiful wee man again just love him sooo much more everytime. even though think it's impossible to love him anymore theres always more comes.
He's having a wee party in there at the minute trying to kick ma arm off the side of my belly lol so off to enjoy watchin the belly dance.

Kicked in the head!!

My son appears to be very violent!

Hayley and I were sitting on the couch the other night. Well I was sitting, Hayley was sort of sprawled/lying down. Her T shirt was up a bit and her tummy was on show and I could see the little bulges coming from within.

I decided to put my head down to try and listen in, and I got promptly kicked in the head a couple of times!!

The cheek!

It was good though. Made us laugh. It's good to know he is so active. Hayley must be getting kicked left right and centre.

Good!! ;o)

His bouncer came

Sunshines bouncer came yesterday, wasn't expecting it till thursday, eventually got the box out the bag it came in and then thought better check it's all there and working incase have to return it, so it's all there don't know if it works yet though as didn't have the right batteries lol so got it back in the box eventually, just can't wait to see him sitting in it, have also bought him some scratch mitts n socks to go with the other few bits we've got him, putting off buying clothes though as don't know what size he'll be by the time he gets home and then finding out he might come home with oxygen or feeding tubes so not sure he'l can wear any of the few outfits he does have so think i'll just leave off buying anything else clothes wise till we know.

Sunshines Uncle Ben who's 8 doesn't know his name yet, no1 does, we're keeping it secret till he's born, so Ben thought he'd get his notebook and pen out and think of a name for him, made me laugh so much. poor wee Sunshine lol here's his list
Batman, Jack, Mr Been, QuaversMan, Matt, Been, Anipal1, Daddy, Dodman, Pigman, Borat, Bosman, Busman, FamilyGuy, LittleMan
good job we're not letting him pick his name lol.

i've done it :)

just a quick one, well after looking at them for the last couple of weeks, last night i finally done it, instead of hovering over the buy button i actually clicked it, so proud of myself, so now Sunshine has a lovely musical and vibrating bouncer on it's way, though not sure how i'll feel when it's delivered and i see it, it's so hard to even think about buying baby things after a loss, never mind when this baby is poorly as well, but i'm trying to just keep telling myself that he WILL get home to use it, who knows maybe if i tell myself enough i'll start to believe it.

Sunshines getting stronger in there i love just sitting watching him jump around and my whole belly moves or when he pokes through my skin and i poke him back and he keeps poking back, he's just such a wee character and i can't wait to meet him but still just want to keep him safe inside forever.

Had a Scan today

well it was just supposed to be more of a reassurance scan, not to look at Sunshines CDH or anything else, we seen the new doctor as ours is away on holiday she was very thorough going through all his anatomy doing measurements etc, which scared me because i was kind of looking forward to the scan today as we were just going to get to see Sunshine and not worrying about the anatomy side of things, but i'm glad to say everything is 'fine' he's measuring spot on still, fluid is fine just now and everything just remains the same from the last scan, she did worry me so much when she finished but then asked if it was ok if she had another look at the heart as she could only see 1 vessel or something, but that turned out ok thankfully,
well what an absolutely beautiful wee boy, such a wee character, he wouldn't keep still at all turning himself round to hide from her, everytime she went to look for something else to measure he moved, least she was patient with him though even laughing at him, specially when he gave us another flash, cheeky wee monkey, he's a lucky boy in that department i must say. we got a nice look at his lips as well, very cute lol, also seen a few wee resemblances to Nathan today which i guess is to be expected being brothers but sad at the same time.
i'm feeling good today after a very hard couple of days of everything hitting me and catching up to me, seeing he's still growing well and very active and the fact that nothing major has changed in relation to the CDH, she did try to measure his lungs but was very difficult so couldn't manage it, i'm not ready for that yet though and the whole LHR thing. i know this 'good' feeling won't last so i'l try and make the most of it.
everytime we see him on the scans n see what a wee character he is i just fall in love with him all over again.

Feeling Crap

ok so last night after some reading on the net, i came across another CDH blog and sort of read it from the beginning of their journey, started feeling really hopeful etc the baby was looking 'good' with minimum organs in the chest, lungs growing as well as they could, but then getting nearer the end of the pregnancy everything changed, just about everything was now in the chest and the lungs were doin badly with a really low LHR, it was then it hit me, things can change, no1 told us this, so even though at the minute Sunshine case looks 'ok' with the stomach and part bowel in his chest, therefore not being as bad as it 'could' be, we stupidly thought oh good he has a great chance then, but no, now i'm going to dread every appointment n MRI scan wondering if more has got into his chest and even less room for his lungs, knowing now the organs can just float freely in and out of the chest the whole pregnancy, therefore not knowing how things will be as we get to birth time, i've gone from being scared as hell, to, absolutely terrified, now theres nothin really to hope on and go by for the rest of the pregnancy as we now know it can all change for the worse during the matter of weeks, just want the pregnancy over with now but on the other hand it's the not knowing what will happen when he's born etc so don't feel i want to be in any rush to get to that point.
please be ok little man, you HAVE to be.

Appointments are in

this morning i got 2 letters from the hospital, so now have the appointment for the 1st MRI scan on the 29th July at 5.30pm at Yorkhill, weird time but heyho, dreading it, i think i've been doing 'ok' the last few weeks, because havent had any big appointments or anything so have been left alone to try and enjoy Sunshine and i have, we've been bonding a lot, but now i just worry what the MRI is going to show, as at the moment all we know is his stomach and part of his bowel are definitely in his chest, which in the grand scheme of things really isn't too bad, well what i mean is, it could be worse and that's what i'm dreading, finding out if the liver is in there too, seeing how the lungs are doing etc, finding out more in terms of the lung growth and survival rates etc, i just hope nothing changes from what we already know and hope the lungs are doing as good as they can be.
Then the other letter was for a detailed scan on august 12th at 11.30am at Queen Mothers, not sure what this is for to be honest so can't really comment on it at this stage, maybe to discuss results from the MRI with the fetal medicine and for them to have another look over Sunshine. All i can think at the minute is that i guess this is where it all starts in terms of lung growth and survival rate for him.
still burying my head a bit i think, trying to just take 1 day at a time and hope for the best outcome for our wee boy.

First time feelings...

Last night was the first time I managed to feel little sunshine wriggling about and kicking inside Hayley's tummy. It felt really strange, yet really good.

I was sitting on the sofa and Hayley lay down next to me and got the doppler thingy out, we had a listen in, (to be honest I struggle to pinpoint him against Hayley's inside 'noises'), but he seemed very active. After listening for a while, Hayley pushed my hand against her tummy and I felt him kick out! I got a wee bit of a shock and pulled my hand away.

It was amazing to feel him, he seems so active. Hayley says he must be on night shift like his Daddy as he seems more active late at night! As far as I am concerned, feeling him kicking last night for the first time means that another part of the journey has started. He seems strong and is growing well, and Hayley is getting huge! All good signs as far I am concerned.

I never got to feel Nathan kicking, and we're now at the same stage when we lost Nathan. I'm full of strange emotions and feelings. I feel guilty because I never felt Nathan moving and I feel like I shouldn't be getting excited when I feel Sunshine move, but that wouldn't be fair on Sunshine or Hayley, nor is it fair on Nathan. He wouldn't want his Mummy or Daddy feeling like this.

I'm pretty sure that Hayley is under the impression that I don't think much of what has happened and what is happening, never mind what is going to happen. I try to occupy my mind with other things, and I know I can get wrapped up in my own world sometimes. If I think too much I will go nuts, fact.

I try to keep Hayley cheerful and up-beat, but it's hard at times. Sometimes I don't help matters and can be grumpy, but that's life I suppose, but she knows that I am here for her and I know she's there for me. We are a great support for each other and I love her very much.

It's been very hard writing this. I can write no problem about other stuff, but being a typical man I struggle to write personal stuff. I just hope Hayley understands why I don't write as much as I really should in here. She's done a fantastic job with the blog.

Anyway, I felt Sunshine for the first time last night! WooooHoooo!

21 weeks today

so happy to be at this point, in the early days i never thought for a second we would get this far, but at the same time it brings great sadness thinking back to our beautiful angel Nathan, yesterday i was the same gestation as when we had the scan that first showed that Nathan had a heart problem and now only 5 days to go until i'm the stage as when Nathan was born at, which will also be Nathans due date.
Kinda getting sick of everyone telling me it'l be ok and that i'm strong etc etc, no 1 can say it'l be ok not even the doctors and surgeons, no1 can possibly know what Sunshines outcome will be and for the other part, maybe they see me as strong but i don't and i certainly don't feel it, it took me years to get a mask this good even though it let me down for a while after we lost Nathan, i got it back in the end and i guess that's what helps see me through but no1 sees behind closed doors when no1 else is around, i hope so much that in years to come Sunshine can sit here and read all this and see what a special brave little boy he is, just like his special big brother and hope he will see how much me and his daddy love them both and just want him to be ok, i'm just holding on for the day we can bring him home where he belongs, all this has just brought back so many emotions and feelings about what happened with Nathan from the deep level i buried them on and brought them right to the front, it's like a whole new bigger and faster rollercoaster ride but i'd just do anything to get the hell of it.

Feeling him from the outside

So I was laid on the couch at 1am this morning, because I couldn't sleep, because Sunshine decided parties weren't good enough for him anymore, no, last night he was having a RAVE in there, all day yesterday he was sooooooooo active, rolling around etc etc, getting into very uncomfy positions that hurt me to walk and move around, ouchy, what a wee monkey, but it's so good to know he's there even if it does hurt me, he's worth everything.

Anyway i laid my hand on my belly, not too hard because when it's too hard he goes quiet, and kept getting these little thuds on the palm of my hand everytime he thumped me, so excited, it means Ricky can a have a go next time and hopefully Sunshine will thump away hard enough for Daddy to feel, think he's been waiting for this for weeks lol.

On a down note, these next couple of weeks are going to be so hard, i can feel it coming, gettin to the stage in this pregnancy as i was in Nathans preegnancy when we found out about his heart problems, then theres the stage when we let him fly free and the stage i 'should' have been when we laid him to rest and also his due date, miss my 1st born baby boy sooooo much. If any1's reading this please light him a candle http://nathan-boyd.gonetoosoon.org/

Midwife today

20+3 was just a check up but everythings fine, blood pressure fine surprisingly, heard Sunshines heartbeat...just, he doesn't like the doppler he always hides from it the wee monkey. she said bump feels great and not back to see her again till 28 weeks for my anti D injection but if want a listen in to him or anythin just to phone her, feels good having a pretty much open access to everywhere, least i don't have to sit and worry about things.
only just under 4 weeks to go till the 1st MRI scan, not sure what to expect to be honest but not looking forward to it, especially the results from it.
Sat here tonight and Sunshines movements have changed again,not so much pokes n prods here and there, more like he's dragging an arm or something across the inside of my belly for a few seconds, bit of reassurance he's getting stronger i think, just wish Ricky could feel him yet.
Not sure when i'll update again as don't have any appointments or anything for another 4 weeks, so might just be ramblings if anything until then lol.

Todays Appointment

was scared of the scan today cos Sunshine had been a bit quiet yesterday but think he's having a growth spurt, not been so quiet today lol back to little elephant thumping around.
anyway we had a wee chat 1st about the Y chromo query, he said they don't know exactly what it is BUT it was only found when they got right to the bottom of the genes in it, he says they strip them way way way down and he said that it could be the same for him or me if they stripped our genes down that far, that something could show but yet it doesnt mean anythin so they are'nt too concerned with it, i'm just glad it wasnt a problem right at the top of the genes, that the problem is so far back it probably doesnt mean anything or affect anything.
then we got some lovely views of Sunshine and he done some measurements, i keep worrying what if hes not growin etc, but all the measurements were spot on for gestation and we got a lovely willy shot lol
we got 2 face pics as well but they're not great ya have to tilt them to the side to make out his face.

and the best bit was the scan report:
Skull.....Normal
Brain and Ventricles....Normal
HEART.......NORMAL 4 CHAMBER VIEW
Diaphragm.....Diaphragmatic Hernia....Stomach in the Thorax

so good to have the heart thing on paper, to know he doesn't also have the same heart problems as Nathan did and so good to know chromos are ok and its only the 1 complication he has even though it's serious.

he also talked about Nathan as well, was 'good' to hear him confirming that he had no chance as they had all agreed his heart was in such a bad mess it was unrepairable. good in the sense that since all this i've been questioning myself over maybe we should have given Nathan a chance, but truth is he had no chance to give, that's hard knowing he didnt and Sunshine has, just keep thinking maybe it's not fair, but as long as Sunshine has a chance and the fight in him then we and every1 at the 3 hospitals who are dealing with us will fight with him and had Nathan had a chance it would have been the same for him.
Consultants gutted he won't get to deliver Sunshine cos he wanted to be in to deliver him to us and i've just to phone in to elaine, the fetal services midwife if i want a scan inbetween n she will arrange it for me and to let her know when i've been for my MRI and when delivery is planned for so she can come up n see us n Sunshine, how lovely, feeling more positive now.