21 weeks today

so happy to be at this point, in the early days i never thought for a second we would get this far, but at the same time it brings great sadness thinking back to our beautiful angel Nathan, yesterday i was the same gestation as when we had the scan that first showed that Nathan had a heart problem and now only 5 days to go until i'm the stage as when Nathan was born at, which will also be Nathans due date.
Kinda getting sick of everyone telling me it'l be ok and that i'm strong etc etc, no 1 can say it'l be ok not even the doctors and surgeons, no1 can possibly know what Sunshines outcome will be and for the other part, maybe they see me as strong but i don't and i certainly don't feel it, it took me years to get a mask this good even though it let me down for a while after we lost Nathan, i got it back in the end and i guess that's what helps see me through but no1 sees behind closed doors when no1 else is around, i hope so much that in years to come Sunshine can sit here and read all this and see what a special brave little boy he is, just like his special big brother and hope he will see how much me and his daddy love them both and just want him to be ok, i'm just holding on for the day we can bring him home where he belongs, all this has just brought back so many emotions and feelings about what happened with Nathan from the deep level i buried them on and brought them right to the front, it's like a whole new bigger and faster rollercoaster ride but i'd just do anything to get the hell of it.