Where Does Time Go

18 months today since our beautiful 1st born Nathan went to play in the clouds, can still remember the day he was born like it was yesterday, miss him more with everyday that passes, people say time is a healer, but to me time just take me further away from the 20 hours i held him in my arms, trying so hard to squeeze a lifetime into a few measly hours, a year and a half just sounds and feels like forever, we know his heart was in such a bad state it was deemed inoperable but even that doesn't make it any easier. The 1st of the 'congenital' curse was 'oor wee jellybean', no parent should EVER have to to say hello at the same time as goodbye and have to bury their child, has to be the worst thing in the world, totally NOT how nature intended. Lots of people have said to me that i have 2 angel babies watching over Sunshine and will make sure we bring him home, but surely if that was the case Sunshine wouldn't be poorly to start with, surely the 'congenital curse' wouldn't have hit him too. Is it wrong to feel guilty that Sunshine at least has a chance no matter how small, Nathan never had any chance at all.

I have a link to Nathans Gone Too Soon page on here could any1 visiting please light him a candle :)

Again on the subject of time, i'll be 30 weeks tomorrow, can't believe we've hit the 30's now, nothing much new to report, guess after a bad week or so i'm starting to emerge from my 'shell' where i go and hide when things get bad, feel bad as haven't replied to messages or emails etc but i hope people understand. Have another big scan in Glasgow on wednesday to do another lung measurement, fingers crossed tightly the LHR is higher than last time and that some left lung is visible this time, no matter how small we just want to know there's some there and that nothing else has gone in his chest, would just be great if everything came out his chest alltogether but that's not going to happen mores the pity. So will update again on wednesday after that.

I've never been this pregnant before so not sure what the 'normal' care is for healthy babies but assumed we'd get that at least, was told my consultant from my local hospital would see me inbetween Glasgow seeing me for 'reassurance' scans, where we could just get to see our little man without it being about CDH, as all the 'big' stuff is getting done at Glasgow, lung scans, MRI scans etc, so at Glasgow it's ALL about the CDH, but has been about 2 months since seen my consultant at my local hospital maybe i should ring them but i don't like to complain or anything, just feeling a bit neglected, as don't see my midwife that often either, maybe once a month.

Anyway, Sunshine is still active as ever getting quite violent to his poor mummy and getting lots of hiccups which is funny, used to just be able to feel them with my hand pressed in a wee bit but now can feel them all the time, weird feeling just love him soooo much.

So until wednesday.......

Hayley xx