29 weeks today (down post sorry)

well 29 weeks today, so 10 weeks left till they'll induce,can't believe where the time has gone i hope the next 10 weeks go a bit slower, just wish i could stay pregnant with him forever, then i'd know he was ok. there's so many CDH babies growing their wings in the last couple of weeks it doesn't feel as if the basic line of the 50% survival thing is working out :( i'm so scared we're going to lose our baby too, just wish so much that someone could just tell us he'll be ok, but i know that no-one can. And now we have these 4d pictures and video, making it even more real, making Sunshine even more real, he's a proper little person, now i can see exactly what we could lose.

Sorry for the down post i'm just having a bit of a feel sorry for myself time, finding it hard visiting Nathans grave as well all i can seem to think is how we'd word things to fit in the space between Nathans details and the poem at the bottom of his headstone, drove myself nuts in the beginning of this pregnancy getting upset that they might not let us use Nathans plot again and that was at the point before we knew Sunshine had anything wrong with him, so had no reason to think like that, i think that was probably 'normal' though having already lost a baby. 

Life is just soooooo unfair beyond words, 3rd pregnancy and still no living children and i know there's probably lots of people out there had it way worse than me but still, think i'm entitled to feel a bit angry about it all, we deserve this little man soooo much, he couldn't be any more loved or wanted and we don't know whether we'll get to keep him either. I can't bear the thought of seeing 'that look' on my wonderful hubby's face as he carries yet another tiny casket on the final journey. can't bear to break his already broken heart. he'd be the best daddy in the world and seeing it's my job to keep our babies safe and healthy, why do i keep letting him down, letting everyone down, myself included. just one healthy baby we can keep and bring home, why is it too much to ask.

I didnt't want him to know how i've been feeling but i guess he will after this if he reads it but i can't hold everything in forever and have nowhere else to put it, i'm sorry Ricky i love you soooooooooooooooooooooooo much xxxxxxxxxxx

I don't know the point of this to be honest guess i thought it might help a bit, but doubt it will.