32 weeks

well we're now 32 weeks, only 7 to go until induction time, just can't stop thinking how fast the time is going, only just said can't believe it's september already and now i'm saying can't believe it's nearly october lol.

Nothing much to report in the run up to birth time, guess all the posts will really start once Sunshine is born.

Been worried about his hiccups lately, not sure what's normal but he seems to be getting them quite a lot, at least he's still very active though which i guess is a good thing, always beatin the crap out of me, the wee monkey.

Have another lung scan and MRI and to get 1st steroids on 9th october n either get the other lot locally the day before or the day after, not sure yet waiting for a phone call from consultant here. Goin to have the 'tour' of intensive care and the unit where he'll be once born when we're in glasgow on the 9th and hopefully if Mr H is free then we'll get another chat with him, he's one of the surgeons at Yorkhill, i hope so much it's him who'll be dealing with us as everyone i've spoke to can't speak highly enough of him, but guess it'll just depend who's there when that time comes. so fingers crossed for the 9th and here's to hoping for another good increase on the LHR and that the contents of his chest remain at least the same, would still be great if everything that didn't belong in there just packed up n moved back to where they belong, but that's unlikely, so always just hope it's no worse.

Don't like to bring a downer on Sunshines blog but the closer it gets to delivery time the more frequent the bad days are, but then it's not all about Sunshine, it doesn't help when some scumbags think they can help themselves to the things we had in a wee area of our own back garden for Nathan, all his things are gone and what's worse is 2 of them had his name on them, least his things are more safe at his grave, or so we thought, till some1 has stolen a wee snoglobe thing we got him from sea life grr hate how people think they have the right to take his things, is it because he's not here? BORN STILL BUT STILL BORN, still a wee person with the right to as much respect as the rest of us.

anyway till next time, though probably not before the appointments in october as nothing really to report till then xx

Update from todays scan

right well nothing has changed, still the stomach and bowels in his chest, still could'nt see left lung, but guess as more time goes on and Sunshine and his organs get bigger the less likely it will be to see the left lung even if there is a bit there. He's head down now and back to back which explains the agony backaches and bad sciatica etc, long as he's comfy and happy in there i don't care at all.

No date for induction yet but looking at the 10th November, back there for another lung scan and steroids and the next MRI in 4 weeks.

Anyway the important bit.......LHR (in his words) = greater than 2, didn't give an exact number so i just say 2, but fantastic, wasn't expecting it to be as high as that to be honest so was a shock but a good one.

Pleased nothing has changed so fingers crossed it continues to stay that way. 

Todays BIG step

well have only just gone and ordered and paid for Sunshines pram :s we had kind of agreed to get a neutral colour (just incase) but that's not very positive is it, so today just bit the bullet and bought it in BLUE :s now it's definitely Sunshines pram,not sure how i'm feeling after that to be honest just have to dread it arriving at the house but hey ho i'll deal with that when it comes i guess. Anyway just thought i'd share and put a pic up, will be back tomorrow with the scan update.

Where Does Time Go

18 months today since our beautiful 1st born Nathan went to play in the clouds, can still remember the day he was born like it was yesterday, miss him more with everyday that passes, people say time is a healer, but to me time just take me further away from the 20 hours i held him in my arms, trying so hard to squeeze a lifetime into a few measly hours, a year and a half just sounds and feels like forever, we know his heart was in such a bad state it was deemed inoperable but even that doesn't make it any easier. The 1st of the 'congenital' curse was 'oor wee jellybean', no parent should EVER have to to say hello at the same time as goodbye and have to bury their child, has to be the worst thing in the world, totally NOT how nature intended. Lots of people have said to me that i have 2 angel babies watching over Sunshine and will make sure we bring him home, but surely if that was the case Sunshine wouldn't be poorly to start with, surely the 'congenital curse' wouldn't have hit him too. Is it wrong to feel guilty that Sunshine at least has a chance no matter how small, Nathan never had any chance at all.

I have a link to Nathans Gone Too Soon page on here could any1 visiting please light him a candle :)

Again on the subject of time, i'll be 30 weeks tomorrow, can't believe we've hit the 30's now, nothing much new to report, guess after a bad week or so i'm starting to emerge from my 'shell' where i go and hide when things get bad, feel bad as haven't replied to messages or emails etc but i hope people understand. Have another big scan in Glasgow on wednesday to do another lung measurement, fingers crossed tightly the LHR is higher than last time and that some left lung is visible this time, no matter how small we just want to know there's some there and that nothing else has gone in his chest, would just be great if everything came out his chest alltogether but that's not going to happen mores the pity. So will update again on wednesday after that.

I've never been this pregnant before so not sure what the 'normal' care is for healthy babies but assumed we'd get that at least, was told my consultant from my local hospital would see me inbetween Glasgow seeing me for 'reassurance' scans, where we could just get to see our little man without it being about CDH, as all the 'big' stuff is getting done at Glasgow, lung scans, MRI scans etc, so at Glasgow it's ALL about the CDH, but has been about 2 months since seen my consultant at my local hospital maybe i should ring them but i don't like to complain or anything, just feeling a bit neglected, as don't see my midwife that often either, maybe once a month.

Anyway, Sunshine is still active as ever getting quite violent to his poor mummy and getting lots of hiccups which is funny, used to just be able to feel them with my hand pressed in a wee bit but now can feel them all the time, weird feeling just love him soooo much.

So until wednesday.......

Hayley xx

29 weeks today (down post sorry)

well 29 weeks today, so 10 weeks left till they'll induce,can't believe where the time has gone i hope the next 10 weeks go a bit slower, just wish i could stay pregnant with him forever, then i'd know he was ok. there's so many CDH babies growing their wings in the last couple of weeks it doesn't feel as if the basic line of the 50% survival thing is working out :( i'm so scared we're going to lose our baby too, just wish so much that someone could just tell us he'll be ok, but i know that no-one can. And now we have these 4d pictures and video, making it even more real, making Sunshine even more real, he's a proper little person, now i can see exactly what we could lose.

Sorry for the down post i'm just having a bit of a feel sorry for myself time, finding it hard visiting Nathans grave as well all i can seem to think is how we'd word things to fit in the space between Nathans details and the poem at the bottom of his headstone, drove myself nuts in the beginning of this pregnancy getting upset that they might not let us use Nathans plot again and that was at the point before we knew Sunshine had anything wrong with him, so had no reason to think like that, i think that was probably 'normal' though having already lost a baby. 

Life is just soooooo unfair beyond words, 3rd pregnancy and still no living children and i know there's probably lots of people out there had it way worse than me but still, think i'm entitled to feel a bit angry about it all, we deserve this little man soooo much, he couldn't be any more loved or wanted and we don't know whether we'll get to keep him either. I can't bear the thought of seeing 'that look' on my wonderful hubby's face as he carries yet another tiny casket on the final journey. can't bear to break his already broken heart. he'd be the best daddy in the world and seeing it's my job to keep our babies safe and healthy, why do i keep letting him down, letting everyone down, myself included. just one healthy baby we can keep and bring home, why is it too much to ask.

I didnt't want him to know how i've been feeling but i guess he will after this if he reads it but i can't hold everything in forever and have nowhere else to put it, i'm sorry Ricky i love you soooooooooooooooooooooooo much xxxxxxxxxxx

I don't know the point of this to be honest guess i thought it might help a bit, but doubt it will.