32 weeks

well we're now 32 weeks, only 7 to go until induction time, just can't stop thinking how fast the time is going, only just said can't believe it's september already and now i'm saying can't believe it's nearly october lol.

Nothing much to report in the run up to birth time, guess all the posts will really start once Sunshine is born.

Been worried about his hiccups lately, not sure what's normal but he seems to be getting them quite a lot, at least he's still very active though which i guess is a good thing, always beatin the crap out of me, the wee monkey.

Have another lung scan and MRI and to get 1st steroids on 9th october n either get the other lot locally the day before or the day after, not sure yet waiting for a phone call from consultant here. Goin to have the 'tour' of intensive care and the unit where he'll be once born when we're in glasgow on the 9th and hopefully if Mr H is free then we'll get another chat with him, he's one of the surgeons at Yorkhill, i hope so much it's him who'll be dealing with us as everyone i've spoke to can't speak highly enough of him, but guess it'll just depend who's there when that time comes. so fingers crossed for the 9th and here's to hoping for another good increase on the LHR and that the contents of his chest remain at least the same, would still be great if everything that didn't belong in there just packed up n moved back to where they belong, but that's unlikely, so always just hope it's no worse.

Don't like to bring a downer on Sunshines blog but the closer it gets to delivery time the more frequent the bad days are, but then it's not all about Sunshine, it doesn't help when some scumbags think they can help themselves to the things we had in a wee area of our own back garden for Nathan, all his things are gone and what's worse is 2 of them had his name on them, least his things are more safe at his grave, or so we thought, till some1 has stolen a wee snoglobe thing we got him from sea life grr hate how people think they have the right to take his things, is it because he's not here? BORN STILL BUT STILL BORN, still a wee person with the right to as much respect as the rest of us.

anyway till next time, though probably not before the appointments in october as nothing really to report till then xx

Update from todays scan

right well nothing has changed, still the stomach and bowels in his chest, still could'nt see left lung, but guess as more time goes on and Sunshine and his organs get bigger the less likely it will be to see the left lung even if there is a bit there. He's head down now and back to back which explains the agony backaches and bad sciatica etc, long as he's comfy and happy in there i don't care at all.

No date for induction yet but looking at the 10th November, back there for another lung scan and steroids and the next MRI in 4 weeks.

Anyway the important bit.......LHR (in his words) = greater than 2, didn't give an exact number so i just say 2, but fantastic, wasn't expecting it to be as high as that to be honest so was a shock but a good one.

Pleased nothing has changed so fingers crossed it continues to stay that way. 

Todays BIG step

well have only just gone and ordered and paid for Sunshines pram :s we had kind of agreed to get a neutral colour (just incase) but that's not very positive is it, so today just bit the bullet and bought it in BLUE :s now it's definitely Sunshines pram,not sure how i'm feeling after that to be honest just have to dread it arriving at the house but hey ho i'll deal with that when it comes i guess. Anyway just thought i'd share and put a pic up, will be back tomorrow with the scan update.

Where Does Time Go

18 months today since our beautiful 1st born Nathan went to play in the clouds, can still remember the day he was born like it was yesterday, miss him more with everyday that passes, people say time is a healer, but to me time just take me further away from the 20 hours i held him in my arms, trying so hard to squeeze a lifetime into a few measly hours, a year and a half just sounds and feels like forever, we know his heart was in such a bad state it was deemed inoperable but even that doesn't make it any easier. The 1st of the 'congenital' curse was 'oor wee jellybean', no parent should EVER have to to say hello at the same time as goodbye and have to bury their child, has to be the worst thing in the world, totally NOT how nature intended. Lots of people have said to me that i have 2 angel babies watching over Sunshine and will make sure we bring him home, but surely if that was the case Sunshine wouldn't be poorly to start with, surely the 'congenital curse' wouldn't have hit him too. Is it wrong to feel guilty that Sunshine at least has a chance no matter how small, Nathan never had any chance at all.

I have a link to Nathans Gone Too Soon page on here could any1 visiting please light him a candle :)

Again on the subject of time, i'll be 30 weeks tomorrow, can't believe we've hit the 30's now, nothing much new to report, guess after a bad week or so i'm starting to emerge from my 'shell' where i go and hide when things get bad, feel bad as haven't replied to messages or emails etc but i hope people understand. Have another big scan in Glasgow on wednesday to do another lung measurement, fingers crossed tightly the LHR is higher than last time and that some left lung is visible this time, no matter how small we just want to know there's some there and that nothing else has gone in his chest, would just be great if everything came out his chest alltogether but that's not going to happen mores the pity. So will update again on wednesday after that.

I've never been this pregnant before so not sure what the 'normal' care is for healthy babies but assumed we'd get that at least, was told my consultant from my local hospital would see me inbetween Glasgow seeing me for 'reassurance' scans, where we could just get to see our little man without it being about CDH, as all the 'big' stuff is getting done at Glasgow, lung scans, MRI scans etc, so at Glasgow it's ALL about the CDH, but has been about 2 months since seen my consultant at my local hospital maybe i should ring them but i don't like to complain or anything, just feeling a bit neglected, as don't see my midwife that often either, maybe once a month.

Anyway, Sunshine is still active as ever getting quite violent to his poor mummy and getting lots of hiccups which is funny, used to just be able to feel them with my hand pressed in a wee bit but now can feel them all the time, weird feeling just love him soooo much.

So until wednesday.......

Hayley xx

29 weeks today (down post sorry)

well 29 weeks today, so 10 weeks left till they'll induce,can't believe where the time has gone i hope the next 10 weeks go a bit slower, just wish i could stay pregnant with him forever, then i'd know he was ok. there's so many CDH babies growing their wings in the last couple of weeks it doesn't feel as if the basic line of the 50% survival thing is working out :( i'm so scared we're going to lose our baby too, just wish so much that someone could just tell us he'll be ok, but i know that no-one can. And now we have these 4d pictures and video, making it even more real, making Sunshine even more real, he's a proper little person, now i can see exactly what we could lose.

Sorry for the down post i'm just having a bit of a feel sorry for myself time, finding it hard visiting Nathans grave as well all i can seem to think is how we'd word things to fit in the space between Nathans details and the poem at the bottom of his headstone, drove myself nuts in the beginning of this pregnancy getting upset that they might not let us use Nathans plot again and that was at the point before we knew Sunshine had anything wrong with him, so had no reason to think like that, i think that was probably 'normal' though having already lost a baby. 

Life is just soooooo unfair beyond words, 3rd pregnancy and still no living children and i know there's probably lots of people out there had it way worse than me but still, think i'm entitled to feel a bit angry about it all, we deserve this little man soooo much, he couldn't be any more loved or wanted and we don't know whether we'll get to keep him either. I can't bear the thought of seeing 'that look' on my wonderful hubby's face as he carries yet another tiny casket on the final journey. can't bear to break his already broken heart. he'd be the best daddy in the world and seeing it's my job to keep our babies safe and healthy, why do i keep letting him down, letting everyone down, myself included. just one healthy baby we can keep and bring home, why is it too much to ask.

I didnt't want him to know how i've been feeling but i guess he will after this if he reads it but i can't hold everything in forever and have nowhere else to put it, i'm sorry Ricky i love you soooooooooooooooooooooooo much xxxxxxxxxxx

I don't know the point of this to be honest guess i thought it might help a bit, but doubt it will.

4D Scan Was Amazing

We went for the 4d scan yesterday omg sooooo amazing, got some beautiful pictures in both colour and black and white and also an enlargement of 1 in a  mount, a cd with all the stills on and a 14.28 minute dvd, he wasn't for playing though, he just wanted to sleep, got a nice shot on the dvd of him yawning sooooo cute, the women had to try and keep jiggling him as he had his hand over his face all the time, he moved but to turn his back on us lol, then decided to hide into the placenta and just have a wee peek out from there, we seen a cute variety of facial expressions, scrunching up his face, grinning, smiling etc, and he looks sooo much like daddy, no surprise there though he has his nose and lips lol, he also looks a lot like Nathan which is to be expected i guess just bittersweet.
oh and the wee fatty is weighing nearly 2 weeks ahead, weighing in at 3lb, his heads measuring ahead as well, only things measuring a week behind are his abdominal measurements which is to be expected with the CDH, and his thighs, no surprise there either though as we're both small, nothing wrong with the size of his HUGE feet though :)

Have a midwife appointment this afternoon to get my anti-d injection, oh goody i love needles, not. probably get a listen into his heartbeat as well, though i can listen to that anytime i like at home, a sound i never tire of hearing :) 


 i'm currently trying to figure out how to get the video off the dvd and onto here, so if any1 can help please email me lol.

28 weeks today

where's the time gone, can't believe Sunshine will be here in 11 weeks at the latest, hopefully all ready to begin his 'real' CDH journey, he's sure got a fighting spirit in there let's hope he keeps it up and it serves him well. I'm sure he's still breech and he's kickin big feet into the bottom of my back so have been suffering quite a bit with that, but he's soooooooo worth it.


only 2 days to go till the 4d scan i can't wait to see him like for real and whichever way this journey ends it'll be a wonderful thing to have, just wish we got the same with Nathan.

Something that kind of annoys me a bit is the way most people don't realise how serious this all is, find myself wanting to scream, don't you know this baby could die too, it's like they think right ok he's poorly, but he'll have an operation when he's born and he'll be fine, i soooo wish it was as easy as that, but at the same time thinking that way has what's got us through the last 11 weeks of knowing he has CDH, refusing to think about all the complications etc, telling ourselves so many times exactly as above, that ok he's poorly but he just needs an operation when he's born and he'll be fine and we WILL bring him home, but then we get closer to another appointment and scan and reality comes crashing back in that it's serious and he could die. 
it's a vicious cycle.


On another note, his cot and mattress are on their way, courtesy of his nana, spoiling him already lol, so yesterday i went and bought him a lovely mobile to go on it, hope he likes it it's got 20 melodies, 20 lullabies, some sung songs and some nature tunes, i'm yet to get it out the box, just to make sure it works properly you understand lol.

Update From Todays Scan

Have been back a few hours now but was sooooo tired and had to have a sleep lol,

well today was a bit positive i guess though my head is still a bit spinning, good news is Sunshines LHR is between 1.3 and 1.5 which put him in the 'good' end for now, i do know this could change though, hopefully for the better, fingers crossed. However there was no visible left lung tissue, i was prepared for a very hypoplastic left lung but not for none, so not sure how i feel about this at the minute, just have to hope so much there is even a tiny bit of lung tissue hiding in there to which a left lung can grow from later after he's born etc, if not then we need to prepare for him having only 1 lung for the rest of his life, just hope so much the right lung will be strong enough and do well enough to get him through.


From the MRI, it's still bowel and stomach in his chest AND the liver is..... DOWN, yay fingers crossed again that it stays down, i meant to ask about the size of the hole as well but forgot duh.

So that's about it, we only got a wee glance at his face during the scan and no picture so was really disappointed BUT another lady who was chatting with us said she would get us one, wasn't thinking i'd get another scan just to get pics though but was soooo pleased, she spent time showing us every bit of him and we got 3 pictures and we were watching him have the hiccups which was funny. Oh and just to note he DID flash as usual lol.
Also discovered the reason (i think) why i struggle for breath a lot, he's breech with his head up near my chest and seen him pushing his pushing his feet out and pushing himself up and down, wee monkey maybe why i feel like i'm being crushed when i lie on my back as well, if his heavy end is so near my chest.

He's doing well in there poor wee thing, and he's doing what he's meant to be doing with the amniotic fluid as it's still normal, clever boy because mummy doesn't want to have too much as it's not good for his lungs either.
Apparently they usually induce at 39 weeks, was hoping to go in at 38 as 39 is a bit close incase it starts naturally before then, so scared i won't make it to the hospital in a hurry, will see how things go nearer the time.

Think they forgot about touring us round intensive care, so didn't mention it as after all that i really just wanted to go home, didn't feel as ready for it as i thought i did, but plenty time i guess.

we have a detailed scan today

just thought i would post a wee bit about it before we go and then post about what happens when we get back,
off to glasgow today for a detailed scan, obviously will be checking Sunshine over and measuring him etc all the usuals of a detailed scan, but they'l be looking at his lungs as well today i'd say as they haven't been able to measure them yet, that's if the wee monkey keeps still long enough.

i was kind of within 2 minds as to whether to say to them please don't tell me the measurements, as i know the lower it is the worse it is, as i really don't want to know if it's bad, but at the same time i feel as though i NEED to know. Think we may get the results from the MRI scan today as well.

we should be getting a 'tour' of the intensive care today and to see the machines and things, that's if they haven't forgotten, dreading it but suppose it has to be done eh.
Can't wait to see our beautiful boy again, though dreading bad news.

better off for a bath and get ready,will update when we get back.

4d Scan is BOOKED yay

we decided to go ahead with a 4d scan, as it will be something of Sunshine we will always have, specially as we don't know how this will all turn out, booked an expensive package £199 but get lots included in it and will be well worth it, paid the deposit just have to pay the rest when we go on the.....27th August at 18.20, i can't wait :)

had the MRI scan yesterday

well it didn't go too badly, well not as bad as i thought it was going to be, though was really uncomfy lying on my right side for an hour and a half, i can never get comfy on that side at all and Sunshine was wriggling around like mad, at leeast Ricky got to come in with me though and got to stand just beside so i could just see him lol. Had to do lots of breath holds, which i'm not very good at, it makes me panic lol. About an hour in they pulled me out but then straight back in as the radiologist wanted a few more, which worried me a bit. I had a sked for a picture at the beginning and was told they'd see what they could do but didnt get 1 in the end cos by the time we got out was so late everything was put away but they said they'd get me 1 for next time we're there.

After we got out the scan room they shouted us in the wee room to have a look at Sunshine, was so weird seeing pictures of him from his 'insides', they showed us a wee burst of realtime video they done, again weird cos seeing him moving around but from the view of his insides lol then showed us a sequence of pictures they took which when played in order could see him tucked up the top then doing a head dive to the bottom.

seen his cute wee hands and fingers and his BIG feet, so he has big feet like Nathan, have no idea where they both got them from though. Then we seen him flashin his bits, cheeky monkey just can't help himself always flashing to the ladies lol, every1 comments on how active he is, tell me about it lol they said he wouldn't stop moving around, i know, i could feel him lol but they got some really good pictures of him and his spine looks lovely, she showed us his heart and his liver, didn't say whether the liver was in the chest or not but me and Ricky THINK its out as it didnt appear to be on the same level it was quite a bit below, as well as the kidneys they still seem to be out as well, just hope they both stay out.

Assume we'll get proper results from it when we're up at Queen Mothers on the 12th August for a detailed scan, as well as the LHR, totally dreading that though and seriously considering telling them not to me what it is.
So good to see our beautiful wee man again just love him sooo much more everytime. even though think it's impossible to love him anymore theres always more comes.
He's having a wee party in there at the minute trying to kick ma arm off the side of my belly lol so off to enjoy watchin the belly dance.

Kicked in the head!!

My son appears to be very violent!

Hayley and I were sitting on the couch the other night. Well I was sitting, Hayley was sort of sprawled/lying down. Her T shirt was up a bit and her tummy was on show and I could see the little bulges coming from within.

I decided to put my head down to try and listen in, and I got promptly kicked in the head a couple of times!!

The cheek!

It was good though. Made us laugh. It's good to know he is so active. Hayley must be getting kicked left right and centre.

Good!! ;o)

His bouncer came

Sunshines bouncer came yesterday, wasn't expecting it till thursday, eventually got the box out the bag it came in and then thought better check it's all there and working incase have to return it, so it's all there don't know if it works yet though as didn't have the right batteries lol so got it back in the box eventually, just can't wait to see him sitting in it, have also bought him some scratch mitts n socks to go with the other few bits we've got him, putting off buying clothes though as don't know what size he'll be by the time he gets home and then finding out he might come home with oxygen or feeding tubes so not sure he'l can wear any of the few outfits he does have so think i'll just leave off buying anything else clothes wise till we know.

Sunshines Uncle Ben who's 8 doesn't know his name yet, no1 does, we're keeping it secret till he's born, so Ben thought he'd get his notebook and pen out and think of a name for him, made me laugh so much. poor wee Sunshine lol here's his list
Batman, Jack, Mr Been, QuaversMan, Matt, Been, Anipal1, Daddy, Dodman, Pigman, Borat, Bosman, Busman, FamilyGuy, LittleMan
good job we're not letting him pick his name lol.

i've done it :)

just a quick one, well after looking at them for the last couple of weeks, last night i finally done it, instead of hovering over the buy button i actually clicked it, so proud of myself, so now Sunshine has a lovely musical and vibrating bouncer on it's way, though not sure how i'll feel when it's delivered and i see it, it's so hard to even think about buying baby things after a loss, never mind when this baby is poorly as well, but i'm trying to just keep telling myself that he WILL get home to use it, who knows maybe if i tell myself enough i'll start to believe it.

Sunshines getting stronger in there i love just sitting watching him jump around and my whole belly moves or when he pokes through my skin and i poke him back and he keeps poking back, he's just such a wee character and i can't wait to meet him but still just want to keep him safe inside forever.

Had a Scan today

well it was just supposed to be more of a reassurance scan, not to look at Sunshines CDH or anything else, we seen the new doctor as ours is away on holiday she was very thorough going through all his anatomy doing measurements etc, which scared me because i was kind of looking forward to the scan today as we were just going to get to see Sunshine and not worrying about the anatomy side of things, but i'm glad to say everything is 'fine' he's measuring spot on still, fluid is fine just now and everything just remains the same from the last scan, she did worry me so much when she finished but then asked if it was ok if she had another look at the heart as she could only see 1 vessel or something, but that turned out ok thankfully,
well what an absolutely beautiful wee boy, such a wee character, he wouldn't keep still at all turning himself round to hide from her, everytime she went to look for something else to measure he moved, least she was patient with him though even laughing at him, specially when he gave us another flash, cheeky wee monkey, he's a lucky boy in that department i must say. we got a nice look at his lips as well, very cute lol, also seen a few wee resemblances to Nathan today which i guess is to be expected being brothers but sad at the same time.
i'm feeling good today after a very hard couple of days of everything hitting me and catching up to me, seeing he's still growing well and very active and the fact that nothing major has changed in relation to the CDH, she did try to measure his lungs but was very difficult so couldn't manage it, i'm not ready for that yet though and the whole LHR thing. i know this 'good' feeling won't last so i'l try and make the most of it.
everytime we see him on the scans n see what a wee character he is i just fall in love with him all over again.

Feeling Crap

ok so last night after some reading on the net, i came across another CDH blog and sort of read it from the beginning of their journey, started feeling really hopeful etc the baby was looking 'good' with minimum organs in the chest, lungs growing as well as they could, but then getting nearer the end of the pregnancy everything changed, just about everything was now in the chest and the lungs were doin badly with a really low LHR, it was then it hit me, things can change, no1 told us this, so even though at the minute Sunshine case looks 'ok' with the stomach and part bowel in his chest, therefore not being as bad as it 'could' be, we stupidly thought oh good he has a great chance then, but no, now i'm going to dread every appointment n MRI scan wondering if more has got into his chest and even less room for his lungs, knowing now the organs can just float freely in and out of the chest the whole pregnancy, therefore not knowing how things will be as we get to birth time, i've gone from being scared as hell, to, absolutely terrified, now theres nothin really to hope on and go by for the rest of the pregnancy as we now know it can all change for the worse during the matter of weeks, just want the pregnancy over with now but on the other hand it's the not knowing what will happen when he's born etc so don't feel i want to be in any rush to get to that point.
please be ok little man, you HAVE to be.

Appointments are in

this morning i got 2 letters from the hospital, so now have the appointment for the 1st MRI scan on the 29th July at 5.30pm at Yorkhill, weird time but heyho, dreading it, i think i've been doing 'ok' the last few weeks, because havent had any big appointments or anything so have been left alone to try and enjoy Sunshine and i have, we've been bonding a lot, but now i just worry what the MRI is going to show, as at the moment all we know is his stomach and part of his bowel are definitely in his chest, which in the grand scheme of things really isn't too bad, well what i mean is, it could be worse and that's what i'm dreading, finding out if the liver is in there too, seeing how the lungs are doing etc, finding out more in terms of the lung growth and survival rates etc, i just hope nothing changes from what we already know and hope the lungs are doing as good as they can be.
Then the other letter was for a detailed scan on august 12th at 11.30am at Queen Mothers, not sure what this is for to be honest so can't really comment on it at this stage, maybe to discuss results from the MRI with the fetal medicine and for them to have another look over Sunshine. All i can think at the minute is that i guess this is where it all starts in terms of lung growth and survival rate for him.
still burying my head a bit i think, trying to just take 1 day at a time and hope for the best outcome for our wee boy.

First time feelings...

Last night was the first time I managed to feel little sunshine wriggling about and kicking inside Hayley's tummy. It felt really strange, yet really good.

I was sitting on the sofa and Hayley lay down next to me and got the doppler thingy out, we had a listen in, (to be honest I struggle to pinpoint him against Hayley's inside 'noises'), but he seemed very active. After listening for a while, Hayley pushed my hand against her tummy and I felt him kick out! I got a wee bit of a shock and pulled my hand away.

It was amazing to feel him, he seems so active. Hayley says he must be on night shift like his Daddy as he seems more active late at night! As far as I am concerned, feeling him kicking last night for the first time means that another part of the journey has started. He seems strong and is growing well, and Hayley is getting huge! All good signs as far I am concerned.

I never got to feel Nathan kicking, and we're now at the same stage when we lost Nathan. I'm full of strange emotions and feelings. I feel guilty because I never felt Nathan moving and I feel like I shouldn't be getting excited when I feel Sunshine move, but that wouldn't be fair on Sunshine or Hayley, nor is it fair on Nathan. He wouldn't want his Mummy or Daddy feeling like this.

I'm pretty sure that Hayley is under the impression that I don't think much of what has happened and what is happening, never mind what is going to happen. I try to occupy my mind with other things, and I know I can get wrapped up in my own world sometimes. If I think too much I will go nuts, fact.

I try to keep Hayley cheerful and up-beat, but it's hard at times. Sometimes I don't help matters and can be grumpy, but that's life I suppose, but she knows that I am here for her and I know she's there for me. We are a great support for each other and I love her very much.

It's been very hard writing this. I can write no problem about other stuff, but being a typical man I struggle to write personal stuff. I just hope Hayley understands why I don't write as much as I really should in here. She's done a fantastic job with the blog.

Anyway, I felt Sunshine for the first time last night! WooooHoooo!

21 weeks today

so happy to be at this point, in the early days i never thought for a second we would get this far, but at the same time it brings great sadness thinking back to our beautiful angel Nathan, yesterday i was the same gestation as when we had the scan that first showed that Nathan had a heart problem and now only 5 days to go until i'm the stage as when Nathan was born at, which will also be Nathans due date.
Kinda getting sick of everyone telling me it'l be ok and that i'm strong etc etc, no 1 can say it'l be ok not even the doctors and surgeons, no1 can possibly know what Sunshines outcome will be and for the other part, maybe they see me as strong but i don't and i certainly don't feel it, it took me years to get a mask this good even though it let me down for a while after we lost Nathan, i got it back in the end and i guess that's what helps see me through but no1 sees behind closed doors when no1 else is around, i hope so much that in years to come Sunshine can sit here and read all this and see what a special brave little boy he is, just like his special big brother and hope he will see how much me and his daddy love them both and just want him to be ok, i'm just holding on for the day we can bring him home where he belongs, all this has just brought back so many emotions and feelings about what happened with Nathan from the deep level i buried them on and brought them right to the front, it's like a whole new bigger and faster rollercoaster ride but i'd just do anything to get the hell of it.

Feeling him from the outside

So I was laid on the couch at 1am this morning, because I couldn't sleep, because Sunshine decided parties weren't good enough for him anymore, no, last night he was having a RAVE in there, all day yesterday he was sooooooooo active, rolling around etc etc, getting into very uncomfy positions that hurt me to walk and move around, ouchy, what a wee monkey, but it's so good to know he's there even if it does hurt me, he's worth everything.

Anyway i laid my hand on my belly, not too hard because when it's too hard he goes quiet, and kept getting these little thuds on the palm of my hand everytime he thumped me, so excited, it means Ricky can a have a go next time and hopefully Sunshine will thump away hard enough for Daddy to feel, think he's been waiting for this for weeks lol.

On a down note, these next couple of weeks are going to be so hard, i can feel it coming, gettin to the stage in this pregnancy as i was in Nathans preegnancy when we found out about his heart problems, then theres the stage when we let him fly free and the stage i 'should' have been when we laid him to rest and also his due date, miss my 1st born baby boy sooooo much. If any1's reading this please light him a candle http://nathan-boyd.gonetoosoon.org/