FEW BIRTHDAY PICS :)

Happy 1st Birthday Sunshine....Dear Lewis

we celebrated Lewis's 1st birthday, it was emotional and stressful lol just can't believe our baby is 1, well i say baby he's not so much that anymore either, Mr Independent is our Lewis xx

To my beautiful, amazing Sunshine Warrior, Lewis
my gawd i just love you so so so so much, i look back on everything you've been through this past year and my heart just bursts with pride everytime i look at you, you are my reason for getting up in the morning, your constant beautiful big smiles just make my life worthwhile. You are our massive ray of sunshine, shining through our darkest days, our little miracle. I believe with everything that's happened to us, you weren't supposed to make it either, but despite ALL your odds YOU DID, YOU KICKED CDH BUTT. that in itself is truly amazing.
Watching you this morning sitting playing with your new toys chattering away as if you're having a full blown conversation with them, dancing and singing to the musical ones, you ARE here and you ARE OURS and you ARE HERE TO STAY, i don't think i've ever believed that you've been here to stay, no1 knows what the future holds we know the risks of everything, that's what makes you special, and everything you've been through is what makes you who you are. you're such a stickler for your routine, the routine you've been in since NICU still stands today, through your own choice, you just won't have it any other way.
You won't be held and comforted when you get upset, because you got used to dealing with it by yourself because we couldn't lift you and hold you. You like and need your own space and bed when you're tired, because you got used to putting yourself off to sleep because again we couldn't lift you and rock you. You're so independent i don't feel like i do anything for you, it breaks my heart, But you're very happy, always have been, always smiling through everything.
I have no idea how we got through our pregnancy with you knowing how very poorly you were and knowing the battle that lay ahead for know, nothing could predict your survival, no1 knew how you would do till each day came, we didn't think you'd see your 1st xmas last year never mind your very 1st birthday this year. BUT YOU DID IT, you fought the battle and won :)
mummy and daddy love you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much wee man

This was our song through the time i carried you

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith


And this was your song when you were born

You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
You got tears, making tracks
I got tears, that are scared of the facts

Running, down corridors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
I see hope is here, in a plastic box
I've seen christmas lights, reflect in your eyes

You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
There's dry blood, on your wrist
Your dry blood on my fingertip

Running, down corridoors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
First night of your life, curled up on your own
Looking at you now, you would never know

I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright

Alright

Running, down corridors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
I see hope is here, in a plastic box
I've seen christmas lights, reflect in your eyes
down corridors, through automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
First night of your life, curled up on your own
Looking at you now, you would never know. ((((((so true))))))

he's EATING (well of a sort but still)

we're going through another 'eating' phase, it started with choclate buttons, he was taking little bites of them and actually chewing and swallowing, NO gagging or choking on it in his mouth, he won't be fed and he's not putting everything into his mouth just select things, gave him a chocolate digestive the other day (just 1 of many things we just give him to 'play' with) but he decided he was going to bite pieces of it then spit them out, so even though technically he wasn't eating it we just say he was 'eating' it, this is huge.
still not eating likes of dinner when it's put to him, i usually just give him some of what we have to sit with but he NEVER puts it near his mouth and still isn't, but again today i gave him a plain biscuit and yep again he was biting pieces off it and then spitting them out, it's a start. let's just hope he keeps it up this time and nothing sets him back :)

It's his 1st birthday a week tomorrow OMG i can't believe it, our little sunshine will be a whole year old, this time last year i was sitting counting down the days to going in for induction, dreading it with every bone in my body, wishing i could just keep him safe inside me forever, terrified of losing him, not knowing what each day would bring and even knowing that he could be doing well 1 minute but doing really bad the next, terrified to start the rollercoaster ride, but look at him now, he's a wee superhero, an amazing fighter :) we couldn't be any more proud if we tried, yes he's behind with weight due to him having severe reflux for 8 months, behind with some other wee things but he's soooo bright and clever, he's defo been here before, he now has 6 teeth with i'd say another 4 on the way but he just takes it all in his stride, after everything he's been through a wee thing like teething isn't bothering him.

His vocabulary is amazing too he has soooo many words and can put a few together, just love him so much.

a wee update on the last post where i mentioned about the ectopic thing, well in the end it turned into a full blown rupture at home, i recognised the signs n got Ricky to ring in and tell them i was coming in, they said if i was still in pain in half an hour to go in, but i knew the score, told Ricky no tell them i'm coming NOW, so off we went, this is pain like no other, i'd go childbirth/c-sections any day to this. rushed to theatre where i'd lost a litre of blood into my abdomen and another litre during the operation, also sad to say i lost my left tube. then was told afterwards i would have been dead within half an hour if i hadn't gone in, so am very lucky to have recognised the signs and not listened to them saying come in half an hour.
we have an appointment with our consultant on the 11th so i'm hoping once i present him with ALL the facts he'll agree to push for genetic testing, not just cos of the ectopic, but because we've had 4 pregnancies in a row all have something wrong, 3 losses out of this. Also other reasons like family history with the heart problems, not my place to say too much but i've had 2 nieces born into heaven this year, both with severe problems, so there's a link, we just need answers.